Is Getting the Silent Treatment Abuse?

Relationships are the goal of many. We all want to be in love. Yet those intimate relationships can often end up taking us to dark places. And one of those can be the place known as "the silent treatment." It’s discouraging. But is it abusive? 

Deliberately Evading as Punishment

If our partners deliberately evade our questions, that’s one form of the silent treatment known as stonewalling. It's often intended to be punitive but it can also be evasive in nature. For example, if one partner is asking about a sensitive subject around which they've disagreed before, the other partner may refuse to answer, leaving the either in the dark with no answer as a way to punish the m for returning to the topic.

Ignoring the Problem

Completely ignoring another person's presence or existence is an act of invalidating them. It’s hurtful and can lead to feelings of being discounted as a person in general. And many experts do consider this abusive as it devalues the person being ignored and can lead to feelings of low self-esteem.

Of course, this can take the form of outright ignoring, but it may also present in the form of forgetting an important event as if it never existed or ignoring the other person’s thoughts or feelings during a conversation or when making decisions. This is unacceptable behavior in any relationship. Research has found that people who are regularly ignored tend to experience lower levels of self-esteem, sense of belonging, and meaning in their lives. 

Partners should never shut the other out of decisions or conversations. And no partner should ever feel invalidated by the other.

Rejection as a Letdown

In a close relationship, when one partner doesn't speak or refuses affection from the other, it can be devastating. This is often a non-verbal method of pulling away, turning the cheek when kissed or being unresponsive toward hugs. Snubbing intimacy can have a devastating effect not only on the relationship but on self-esteem as well. While often considered less overtly abusive, it's disconcerting and likely linked to instances of more severe rebuffing as mentioned above.

Undermining One’s Power

Subverting is a tactic that’s used to undermine someone's power. Taking their power away makes them feel unstable and unsure of themselves. Because it’s done silently, the other person might not realize right away what's happening.

Some of the ways subverting is done include:

• Removing the other’s area of responsibility without notification.
• Lack of acknowledgment of good work.
• Resetting expectations without informing.
• Silently sabotaging success.

It's typically done in a way that goes unnoticed. And when acknowledged, the saboteur blames the other person or doesn't respond at all. It’s a subtle form of gaslighting — and yes, it's abusive.

Sometimes it’s easy to recognize the various silent treatment methods. Other times, we may need the assistance of trusted friends or a counselor to help us. When some people think they can get away with it, the abuse continues or escalates. If this is happening to you, and talking is a moot point, reach out for professional assistance to resolve it or to have an outsider consider the situation. Your partner should always offer you unconditional respect and the silent treatment isn't respectful. If you feel that your self-esteem is being damaged by the treatment you're receiving, w would urge you to consider leaving the situation and seeking help.

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