3 Realizations to Help You Move Forward After Loss
Hearing the police say “your husband is dead” shattered me. Instantly, the life we had built came crashing down. My world stopped spinning and came to an abrupt halt. In that split-second I lost almost everything that mattered to me. At first, I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t feel anything and at the same time I felt a heavy weight on my chest crushing me, forcing all the air out of my lungs.
It’s not possible that Keith took his own life…we had plans, hopes, dreams for our future. I was consumed with “why” questions that had no answer. “I should have…” and “if only…” thoughts pounded over and over in my head for months. I had no energy, no passion, no purpose, no direction. Many days I could not find a single reason to get out of bed. My mind replayed every look, conversation, and interaction we had before he died.
The mental and emotional pain, guilt, blame, shame, and grief I carried were heavy. I withdrew from life and vacillated between wanting to die so the pain would end and desperately wanting my life before “it” happened back. I wasn’t sure how long I could go or if I even wanted to.
Something each of us desperately need during times of pain and darkness is hope. Hope that we won’t always feel the way we are feeling, there is a way to move forward with our loss, our love, and our memories, and that we will feel happiness and joy again.
No matter how long ago your loss was or how sad, lifeless, depressed, depleted, or defeated you may feel right now, life can get better. You can feel better. There is a way through the darkness, to get unstuck, and to live as a part of life instead of merely existing apart from life. These three powerful realizations brought me out of the pain and darkness giving me hope for the future.
- Loss and the resulting painful thoughts and feelings of grief can be separated. When Keith died, I resigned myself to the fact that I would live in grief for the rest of my life. I came to realize that living with the fact that Keith died and living in grief for the rest of my life are two different things that can be separated. I can move forward with my loss, but I don’t have to carry the feelings of grief forward too.
- In order to do more than just exist, I need life in my life. After a loss, especially one as devasting as suicide, it is common to withdraw and disconnect in some degree from life, from people we care about, from things we enjoy doing, and even ourselves. Reconnecting with my family and friends as well as hobbies I used to enjoy forced me get back into life and look forward instead of focusing my energy on the past.
- I don’t have control over an outcome when there is at least one other person’s decision involved. I blamed myself for Keith’s death. I just knew if I had done or said something different than I did he would still be alive. The truth is that even if I had done or said something different, he still could have taken his life and I would still be blaming myself. Holding onto the illusion of control of an outcome I never had control over in the first place, was keeping me in a mental and emotional prison.
If you’re feeling stuck, reliving something that happened on continual repeat, try to give yourself some grace. Reliving it is common and necessary for as long as reliving it is serving a productive purpose for you. When you are ready to move forward, and only you will know when the time is right for you, try embracing these three realizations: loss and feelings of grief can be separated, to do more than just exist put life back in your life, and acknowledge you don’t have control of an outcome when there is at least one other person’s decision involved. Accepting these truths, you will find there is more life to live, you can move forward after loss, and feel happiness again.
Julia A. Nicholson is a sought-after speaker and author of the award-winning book, Move Forward Stronger: A Dynamic Framework to Process Change, Loss, and Grief. After surviving a near-fatal head-on collision, an abusive marriage, and the suicide death of the love of her life, Julia is passionate about inspiring people to pivot their power, use adversity to their advantage, and move forward more confident, courageous, and resilient to better able handle life’s unavoidable challenges. Listen to her TEDx Talk here. For more information visit https://juliaanicholson.com.
