Three Secrets to Start Managing Expectations

One of the biggest challenges in our relationships is the inevitable disappointment we face, on occasion, or consistently. The circumstances can vary, but one thing is for sure — disappointment causes us more frustration in our relationships than just about anything else.

It's unlikely one could ever eliminate disappointment, but we can certainly experience fewer letdowns by learning how to manage expectations, which are some of the most significant sources of dissatisfaction in our relationships. Too many unmet expectations will leave you feeling frustration, resentment, and even anger.

If you are feeling disappointed, your expectations are likely the culprit. The words and actions of another person are not in alignment with how you expect them to behave.

Ask yourself the following questions about the expectations you have of the person who has left you feeling disappointed:

 Are they realistic based on:

• The type of relationship?
• Experience with this person?
• The current emotional and mental state of the other person?

Are your expectations too high?

The main reason we feel disappointed in relationships is unrealistically high expectations.

Expecting a friend to come riding in on a white horse to save you, if that friend is more of an acquaintance, is going to result in an inevitable letdown.

Many women expect their husbands or significant others to be more sensitive or intuitive, knowing they are not wired in that way, thus setting themselves up for constant disappointment.

In some of your relationships, it might seem reasonable to have certain expectations. However, based on current circumstances, it might be wise to adjust them. When my daughter was in her addiction, I lived in continuous disappointment, wanting her to behave as if she were not living in addiction.

If your expectations are too high for any reason, you are setting yourself up for the inevitable letdown.

Are your expectations too low?

You might be wondering how low expectations can leave you feeling disappointed. While unmet expectations on the high side are more obvious, low expectations can be equally frustrating. If you are choosing to lower your standards from what is reasonable, you have already chosen disappointment.

The key to managing disappointment is to have realistic expectations, taking into consideration the type of relationship, experience with the person, and their current state of mind and circumstances.

Take a look at the relationship you are disappointed by and figure out if your expectations are too low or too high, and then make some adjustments.

As you go through this process, you might need to make some tough decisions — some that might scare you to death. It is possible you have been too hard on someone and will need to examine your behavior. If your expectations are too low, therefore enabling someone to treat you in a way that is unfair, unhealthy, or abusive, then you may need to change the relationship or walk away. No matter if your expectations are too low or too high, face your fear and be willing to be uncomfortable in the short-term for the long-term benefits of feeling peaceful, supported, and valued.