Two Paths to Conflict

When conflict arises our natural response is to do something. Everything in our being prepares to respond in some way to a perceived threat. At times we react as if our life is being threatened. When this happens our rational mind goes out the window and what is present during this time is our primitive brain/defenses which is shouting DEFEND, DESTROY, FLEE, DON'T JUST STAND THERE DO SOMETHING!!! When we are caught up in this reactive dance our connection with our partner is ruptured, we enter into a familiar, painful dance called the Power Struggle. The end result of this dance is a deep wounding or each other and ourselves. This is not what most couples yearn for but unfortunately they don't know what else to do and often find themselves stuck in a relationship that is going nowhere fast.

There is another way/path we can take when conflict arises. This is a healing path that leads to understanding, love, growth and connection!

As a Certified Imago Relationship Therapist I have encountered many couples who are stuck in their relationship, wanting to heal but lacking to tools or skills to build a more loving, empathic and intimate relationship. This is where a healing approach is essential and this is what I teach couples both in therapy sessions and in my workshops. I guide couples in how to develop safety, learning to set aside their reactivity, their defenses, the story they are telling themselves about their partner and connect with their partner in a way that brings connection, healing and empathy into the relational space.

I use Imago Relationship Therapy to help a couple transform
their relationship by teaching them how to:
• Become a safe, healing and loving presence for each other
• Connect through empathy and compassion instead of
contempt and anger
• Take responsibility for their own feelings
• Understand how they each contribute to the conflict
• Approach conflict in a different way so that they learn more
about each other and develop deeper intimacy, passion and joy.
As Maya Kollman, a wonderful and wise Master Trainer of Imago
Relationship Therapy says, "Relationship is not about finding the
right partner; it is about becoming the right partner."

The next time conflict arises and try using the following steps:

When you become aware that you are wounded and want to lash out or run away:

-PICTURE A STOP SIGN

-Take as many breaths as you need to in order to soothe yourself.

-Become aware of the story you are telling yourself and buying into.

-If you are still reactive call a time out.

-During the time out look at your own actions (How did I contribute to the conflict? What is my wound that is being touched by my partner?)

-Come back, invite your partner to visit your world only bringing their heart, eyes and ears.

-Share what you have discovered about yourself, your triggers, your reactions with your partner.

-Share how you would like to be different, what needs healing, what in you needs to grow.

-Thank your partner for listening as this is truly a gift.

-Acknowledge and appreciate each others effort.

For more information please feel free to contact me at cindy@acaringcounselor.net