Internet Pornography: Freedom From The Modern Day Tower of Babel by Bruce W. Cameron, M.S., LPC-S, LSOTP CAS

When all the people tried to build a tower to reach up to the heavens, it was not with good intention, nor was it in the scope of what people supposed to do to revere their God. Thus, separate languages were created.

Here we are again. This time it's the internet and the seemingly anonymous mask provides a counterfeit sense of protection. With this protection, people do their heart's desire on the net, from compulsive shopping, myspace and of course the ever popular consumption internet pornography.

What was unheard of several years ago, is now mainstream. A way to combat this is to embrace your faith in God and think and act in accord to his principles.

What follows is a Christian perspective. It is not meant to offend but bring hope and protection against this enemy of our soul. This is adapted from Arterburn and Stoecker's seminal work: Every Man's Battle. As I've done in another blog entry concerning the South Beach Diet, I've done here with a synopsis of this wonderful way out of a compulsive addictive pattern of sexual dysfunction. THIS IS WRITTEN FROM A MARRIED MALE'S PERSPECTIVE, just so you know. I thought it better to be this way, not to exclude women who share this same battle, but to address the married men that have fallen into this pit and need a hand to help climb out.

Before I begin, I'd like to thank Craig Daugherty, M.A., LPCi for his tireless efforts that led to this post!

WHERE ARE WE?

What Kind of Man Are You?
How does sexual immorality enter our lives?
Even “small” ways can cause us to stumble

Paying The Price
When we don’t obey God’s standard of purity, we rob ourselves of what God intended: Sexuality is SUPPOSED to be pleasurable (within God’s contexts)
Sexual impurity prohibits true worship of God; God cannot be in the presence of sin;
Sexual impurity keeps us from true peace;
We pay a price for our sins; Sexual impurity prohibits true closeness and oneness in marriage; Our wife pays a price for our sin; Our children pay the price for our sin; Our ministry and Christ-like example pay the price for our sins.

Addiction? Or Something Else?
Many men experience the hurt and pain of sexual sin; we are not alone
Test for sexual addiction ----
Addictive sex or strong sexual appetite? Addictive sex is often: 1. Done in isolation and is devoid of relationship 2. Secretive 3. Devoid of intimacy
4. Victimizing 5. Ends in despair
6. Used to escape pain and problems
Addiction cycle: preoccupation, ritualization, compulsive sexual behavior, guilt/despair

Three levels of addiction----
1. Behaviors regarded as normal: masturbation, homosexuality, prostitution;
2. Behaviors that are victimizing and which legal sanctions are enforced: exhibitionism, voyeurism, etc.
3. behaviors with grave consequences for victims and serious legal consequences: incest, child molestation, rape;

Addictive behaviors stem from chemical high rec’eived from sexually mental thoughts.
Many men live in sexually grey area as it relates to sexual sin. Many men keep secret “sexual compartments” in their minds, this hurts their marriages.

HOW WE GOT HERE
Mixing Standards
Many people think that marriage will be a sexual nirvana and impurity won’t be hard. Sex has different meanings to men and women. Men receive intimacy just before and during intercourse.

Women receive intimacy through touching, sharing, hugging, and communication; frequency of sex is less important to women...

Some people suffer from physical hardships that make intercourse painful ....
People can change, sometimes radically, from who they were before marriage...

Goals, pursuits, careers, raising children, etc.

God holds each of us responsible for our own sexual purity. If you want to change recognize that God’s standard of purity has been diluted with our own (Hosea 8:5-6); we have a choice on purity..
We often find God’s standard of purity too high or hard to keep...Why do we try to create our own standard of purity? We are naïve: we see everyone doing it;
We are rebellious: we love the payoff despite the pain; We are apathetic: we just don’t care...

God’s standard for sexual purity--

Obedience or Mere Excellence?
Excellence vs. obedience: what is the difference? What is our goal?
Obedience: to aim for perfection; a fixed standard Excellence: enough to get by and still be good among peers; a mixed standard..

Purity is easy to talk but harder to practice.
Many Christians often talk the talk but live life far from God’s standard of purity.

Lack of standards also hurts Christian witness across the world. What should our response be when we learn of God’s standards for purity?
Example of King Josiah: 2 Chronicles 34

Repent, get rid of all impurity, and beg for God’s mercy.

Just by being male..males are rebellious by nature.
Just as Adam was rebellious by knowingly eating the fruit, so are men today. But you know, it's not just men these days...now is it? I see plenty of females that are acquiring a similar mindset and taste for this..

We sin because we like our own way better. So the combination of our natural arrogance and our dislike for the rigorous standard God has for us as men give us the desire to stop short of God’s standards.

Males have a strong, regular sex drive. If sexual response is blocked, physiological pressure builds & demands release. As pressure builds, male has heightened response to all sexual stimuli.

Most men experience a 72 hour cycle of pressure build up. Natural pressure does not justify release through masturbation or pornography, as unpopular as that seems. The body has built-in mechanisms for release: Nocturnal emission, Overflow into the urine..Over time, pressure can “dry up”.

It is important to realize how natural cycle can heighten temptation--Romans 7: 21-24.
The combination of natural arrogance & desire make us prime for exploitation. Males receive sexual gratification through the eyes. The eyes allow males to sin broadly and at will. Our eyes are not discerning: nude stranger or wife, it's the same. Women are wired for touch and relationship. For males, impurity of the eyes is sexual foreplay .

From God’s point of view, sex is more than just intercourse. Are you receiving sexual gratification visually from someone other than spouse? Even small glances can lead to racy thoughts--Galatians 6:7-8
Deriving pleasure through the eyes breaks a promise made to your wife. Promise yourself that she will be the only vessel sexual satisfaction.

Maleness versus manhood-------We can’t eliminate being male. We want to desire our wives but our maleness is a major root of trouble. We must choose manhood instead of just being "male".
Just as fathers want us to “be a man” so our heavenly father wants us to emulate ..God is asking men to rise above their natures and be like Christ.

Choosing True Manhood-----You got into this mess by being male, you will get out by being a man. Jesus never touched or looked at a woman in dishonor. By using our eyes impurely, we steal that which does not belong to us. Jesus is clearly our role model. It is time to make a covenant to obey God – no matter what!

God’s definition of manhood: hearing His word and DOING IT!!!
Very different than man’s view of manhood...The results of disobedience is always tragic.
Talk is always easy: the road to victory will be hard but it can be obtained.

CHOOSING VICTORY

The Time To Decide
Either keep fighting or quit and die – spiritually speaking....
God has provided weapons for us to fight the fight of our purity; God will not run for us but rather with us. When is the right time? Why not now? How long will I be ensnared?

One could say: My wife is affected and deserves more; My family is affected and deserves more.

God has provided all we need. Christ purchased our freedom and gave us authority to live in purity. We exhibit freedom through the Holy Spirit when we accepted Christ. We aren’t short on power or authority but rather urgency. God is waiting. But yet, we overlook our own involvement own impurity: we made choices (Romans 6:11-14). We are holy when we choose not to sin.

Regaining What Was Lost
By winning the victory over sexual impurity we regain and revitalize our relationships with God, our wife, our children, and our ministry.

Your Battle Plan
Objective in the war is obtain sexual purity. Sexual purity is no sexual gratification from anyone or anything but your wife. We draw sexual gratification from two places: the eyes and the mind. We must build 3 perimeters of defense: with the eyes, the mind, and the heart. The eyes are outermost defense: to block out objects of lust. The mind is second defense; evaluates and captures rogue thoughts 2 Cor 10:5.

The heart is innermost defense meant to strengthen commitments to wife--Impurity is a habit. Just because we “are male” doesn’t give permission to lust. If impurity was genetic we would be helpless. We must replace bad habits with new & pure ones. Our emotions and feelings can affect our habits; can be changed.

Impurity is not a sickness either. Impurity is a habit but fights like an addiction. When habit is not continued negative reinforcement occurs (shakes, urges etc). Sexual impurity must be dropped cold turkey. If decreased gradually, urge may cause binges. Mind and body will react initially; my have an “urge to fail”. Impurity is not case of spiritual possession but rather oppression.

Masturbation is a symptom not the root cause. Masturbation starts with uncontrolled eyes and lustful thoughts. This act brings release (and guilt). Masturbation puts distance between you and God. You get closer to doing what you masturbate to.....Masturbation is not caused by past emotional trauma. Just like drug, masturbation can be a way to escape pain of emotions. Men often want to avoid rejection; look for relief in the wrong areas. Pornography never says no; always smiles; Men receive intimacy from acts just prior to and during intercourse. Masturbation provides false sense of intimacy and acceptance. Intimacy is obtained easily through masturbation. Accountability is a must when fighting for sexual purity; wife must be informed as well.

VICTORY WITH YOUR EYES

Bouncing The Eyes
First defense must include strategies of bouncing eyes and starving eyes. Bouncing the eyes involves training eyes to “bounce” away from sensual images. When eyes bounce towards a sensual image, we must train ourselves to bounce away immediately. Even small glances can produce chemical changes in brain. Habits can be changed over 21 days. Look for areas we are attacked the most. Define defenses for each area of attack. Be strategic and definitive with these techniques.

Starving The Eyes
Second, remember the battle centers on sexual gratification. Men need a certain amount of food & water to live; sexual gratification is a need. God’s plan is for you to receive all sex gratification from your wife; may have to lower level of need to be pure. When we rid ourselves of the junk we crave real food; wives will become more delightful. Our spouse is all we have.
Following God’s plan of obedience results in joy, peace, and thrills. YES, there is a sexual payoff from obedience: tastes will adapt to this new pattern.

Your Sword and Shield
Satan will attack with lies and body will fight back with desires from entrenched habits. We need a good Bible verse to use as a sword. Some use other affirmations as well. More than one verse could be cumbersome in early days of battle Job 31:1. Repeat verse while bouncing the eyes.

Another Bible verse for your shield. Draw strength from when not in heat of battle---1 Cor 6:18-20. If we believe we do not have the right or authority to look at another woman then temptation has no power over us. We must repeat this verse over and over till it becomes law in our mind. These tactics will help with second perimeter as well

God’s laws of reaping and sowing can work for us. If we think we have right to look then we are asking for audience with Satan. Satan will convince us, with at least one of these lies...., why we should look. "God made women beautiful; of course you should look....It won’t hurt anything... it’s only a look...afterall..God loves you and wants you to have the abundant life...Your wife is the problem... maybe you should see what else is out there".

At first battle will be intense; habits will be slow to be undone. You must keep after God’s standard. The more we resist the easier it will be the next time.

VICTORY WITH YOUR MIND

Your Mustang Mind
The mind is more crafty than eyes and more difficult to corral. You can’t reign the mind until the eyes are protected; mind receives from the eyes. We must change the mind world-view: what is acceptable to keep. We must be careful as to what lurks at our heart’s door – Job 31:9-11.

What about women we have a relationship with? (church members, friends wives, etc)..1 Cor 6:19-20/2 Cor 10:5
Establish a mental custom station: Proverbs 7:21-23 (example of what can happen). The mind fills in blanks we don’t know.
The more we know the less interested we are (woman has spouse, kids etc). Starve the attractions: we must tame the mind to not run impurely at will.

Create a corral for the untamed mind.
Four categories of women that can come in contact with our corral:
1. Visual attraction to strangers (starving eyes eliminates);
2. Women who are not attractive (friends, co-workers, etc) monitor with mind to make sure not getting to close;
3. Women you interact with that hit attractive buttons...most dangerous of all-we try to impress these women if left untamed;
we can open the gate to corral very easily.
4. Women that are already inside of corral (wife, wife of friend)****could also include past relationship that you keep with you
must be very careful, must protect wife and family!!! Many women come into our lives and never register anything; those that do must not be allowed into corral.

Approaching Your Corral
2 types of women: those you find attractive; those who find you attractive
Women you find attractive-
Mindset must be: this attraction can ruin everything I have; Attractions can grow quickly and intensely
Remind yourself: I have no right to think these things about this woman. Heighten the alert: if you feel threatened then prepare for battle. Bounce the eyes and starve the mind: don’t dwell on her; be zealous. Avoid her: don’t create possibilities for you to be with her. Play the dweeb: make yourself as unappealing as you can. Women who find you attractive:
Play the dweeb! Make yourself as unappealing as possible;
Remind yourself you have no right to think about these things (or return signals!);
Put your shields up as quickly as possible (better to be safe than sorry);
Spend no time alone with this woman, even in public (don’t feed her desires);
Flee from her! (make it obvious you have no interest in her);
Prepare ahead of time for awkward situations (calling work, stopping by house).

Inside Your Corral
Women who are already a part of your life: wife & past girlfriends or relationships
Former relationships can hinder in 2 ways:
Weaken ability to move towards one flesh with wife
Open a foothold for Satan to get in to your life & marriage. So we must remind ourselves we have no right to think about former relationships now. Pray for wisdom & understanding to show how old flames can hinder relationship. Find something to fill void of these thoughts: song, hymn, scripture verse. Be decisive! Fight the battle with these thoughts intensely.

By entertaining these thoughts, Satan can easily disrupt our lives. We must have defenses up at all times; even with wives of close friends.First defense: no right to a relationship with friend’s wife apart from friend

Secondary defenses:
1. Limit conversations between you & friend’s wife unless friend/own wife there;
2. If you phone and friend isn’t there, get off line promptly;
3. If stop by friend’s house & not home don’t go in; politely decline;
4. Capture any thoughts towards friend’s wife and nuke them; avoid sending any attraction signals and don’t return any from her. Protect your friend’s marriage just as your own. Spiritual maturity involves sacrifice; purity is more than command-it’s also a sacrifice!


VICTORY IN YOUR HEART

Cherishing Your One And Only
Where Your Commitment to God Shows First
If Christians were consumed by God’s purposes, it would be reflected in marriage. God’s purpose for marriage is that it parallels Christ relationship with his church. Be one with your wife. Our hearts are often selfish with our wives. If don’t get our way, we retaliate by withdrawing from our responsibility.

Cherishing wives is part of sexual purity. If this defense fails, the mind and eyes also fail quickly. Cherishing can’t be based on when we feel like it. God commands us to cherish wives NO MATTER WHAT! Marriage is covenant not a mere contract. Wedding day was a promise to love, honor & cherish. Our focus needs to be on our responsibilities not wives’

A Man With Complete Faithfulness
Uriah: 1 Chronicles 11
Swore his life to God’s purposes and to that of King David; Uriah knew his place and was satisfied to be a part of God’s purpose.

We must know our role and be content with it. Our wives our to be cherished because of her value to God as his child, not because of what wife can do for us alone. God paid a dear price to buy our wives, just as he did for us. Our wives want to hope and trust us no matter how much pain....Whether We Feel It Or Not.

God entrusted our wives to us; she placed herself in trust to us. Love is not just a feeling; it is a commitment. The Bible states to act correctly and then our feelings will follow. This is different from what the world tells us. Remember; God loved us before we were worthy to be loved; same for our spouse.

Carry The Honor
Remembering What She Gives You
Your wife gave up freedom and relinquished rights to seek happiness elsewhere. She exchanged freedom for your love and your word. Her dreams are tied up in ours; to be one. She pledged to be yours sexually; her most guarded relationship. By viewing sexual garbage, you pollute her garden. Your wife deserves better than this!

Honor Her Hope
It does not matter what our wives look like or what they do or haven’t done; God calls for husbands to love, honor, cherish, and respect their wives. Our promise to love our wives unconditionally will mean sacrifice

Your Song
Love your wife for who she is this day! (not from days past or days in the future). Your spouse has a heart that longs to be loved. Let the Song of Solomon be YOUR song!

The Final Step
We are a warrior for the Lord God Almighty and the battle for purity lies before us. God is ready to stand for us and with us.
The more our wives blossom the more we should want to do well as Christian men.

What is every woman’s desire? A husband who will honor and cherish her!


I hope you enjoyed this summary and can put it to use. Perhaps use an accountability partner. If you need more info. contact me and as always,
Thanks for stopping by.