Overcoming Resistance When Life Is a Struggle: 4 Ways to Learn to Accept Help

I have been an attachment therapist for several decades, and you would think I would have conquered my reluctance to ask for help – I should know better, right? Honestly, I am loads better than I was, but like a lot of people I am still uncomfortable when I find myself in a position where I need to ask for help. As a person in long-term recovery, I know that willingness to accept hep literally saves lives.

Some of us grew up experiencing having personal needs and wants as “burdensome” for an already overtaxed family system. We learned that the best way to reduce stress was to take care of ourselves, and not risk impacting everyone else which could turn out badly, if not violently.

This may have been an excellent “avoidant attachment” strategy growing up, but we took this approach into all of our relationships going forward and treat everyone in our lives as though we will overtax them if we ask for something, and they will leave.

This is so reflexive. It does not even occur to us to ask for help.

Here are 4 ways to improve our willingness to ask for help when it is uncomfortable.

1. Be willing to let go of control. One of the barriers to asking for help is our conviction that things need to be done in a certain and specific way. Most often, our way! Most of the time, perfection is the enemy of completion, and we can shift our need to completion so we can move forward. If everything has to be done my way, then I will need to do everything. . .a set up for nasty amounts of resentment.
2. Assisting others builds our competence. When you allow other people in your life to contribute to you in meaningful ways, you are not only relieved of some of the burden, but they get to grow in their confidence, and they see themselves as competent. When we do not let others participate, we are inadvertently telling them that we don’t respect their abilities. This weakens our relationships, not strengthens them.
3. When others are helpful, you can feel loved. If you are used to taking care of everything in your life by yourself, you do not get to experience the feeling of being cared for, that someone is “seeing” you and that you matter to other people. As human beings, we have a profound need to feel that we matter and that others see and hear us. Allowing others to provide for us, instead of always doing the providing, opens our hearts and we feel less alone.
4. Trust that others are assisting because they choose to. Some of us learned that if we were given assistance, we were going to have a debt we would need to pay later. We do not imagine others would WANT to help or be of assistance, so assuming asking will obligate them the way we were obligated. Keep in mind not everyone was raised in your family, and it is very possible that they do not have this mentality. In fact, they are delighted that you have asked them because they feel trusted!

I have been using these thoughts to encourage myself to allow help over the years, though I still need reminders. I wrote this article as much for myself as for you! I hope this is helpful.  Remember, as you feel seen and heard your heart connects. 

Mary Crocker Cook, Ph.D., D.Min., LMFT, LAADC is licensed therapist in San Jose, CA and developer of Attached Infused Addiction Treatment® and author of multiple books on attachment, addiction, and codependency. For more information visit www.marycrockercook.com.