You Can Say No and Still Be Kind
“Why did I say “yes”? I complained while dropping onto bed fully dressed. Every muscle seemed to ache and my head hurt thinking about the letters and forms I agreed to complete for a coworker. My schedule was too full already, but I knew exactly why I said “yes.” I was afraid to say “no.”
Ever catch yourself saying “yes” to a request then regret it? Perhaps life was already too busy or you were pressured to do something uncomfortable. Most often we agree to help others and benefit from doing so. However, we also need to consider our own wellbeing. We want to say “no” and honor our own limits, but often worry that doing so will be judged negatively.
Practicing healthy limits is not rude or selfish. We need to say “no” at times because we care about others and ourselves. We can give a million reasons why we should always say “yes,” but lack of limits leads to burnout, illness, fractured relationships, and other challenges.
We can help others more when we care for ourselves. We increase resilience and promote healthier relationships while honoring our own limitations and wellbeing. Clear communication is especially important when it comes to safety. We need to be able to say “no” even if it is hard to do so.
5 Tips to promote the ability to say “no” and be kind include:
- Define what you at your best, balanced self looks like. This is not the perfect you in the perfect world, so be realistic and fair. Balance includes feeling positive about how you participate in all of life’s contexts. What values, virtues, attitudes, and traits do you hope to radiate each day? Give yourself a picture of what a balanced life resembles so you know what to promote.
- Give yourself permission to focus time, energy, and resources on personal care. Encouraging self-care is not selfish. Efforts will benefit family, friends, people you help, colleagues, and society as well as yourself. Remember your wellbeing is just as important as those you interact with.
- Recognize a need for limits to promote healthy relationships. Limits designate what we are and are not responsible for. They apply to every aspect of life and promote healthy, safe functioning. Imbalance or lack of wellness identifies a need for boundaries. When we understand the need for limits we can more readily shake off the misconception that saying “no” is unkind.
- Clarify what you are and are not responsible for. We helpers are often willing to take on other people’s responsibilities, but sometimes doing so is not beneficial for ourselves or the other person. My co-worker’s letters were not my responsibility and it was not a good time to take on extra work. Helping her once may not have been a problem, but repeatedly doing so sets up an unhealthy pattern.
- Write out some easy go-to responses. One-line sentences that are kind, but also firm about saying “no” to a request. Responses such as “I understand you need help, but I am not able to at this time” or “I care and I know I’m not the person to help you with that.” Practice your statements and imagine yourself being calm.
We can be kind and say “no.” If doing so is difficult, be prepared for guilt to creep in when confronted by a request you feel you should refuse. Remind yourself that honesty and personal wellbeing are important. Resistance to limits is typical, but does not diminish the reality they are important for healthy relationships. “Yes” should be a part of our vocabulary, but so should “no.”
This article contains excerpts from Resilient and Sustainable Caring published by Whole Person Associates.
Karen Schuder, EdD, MDiv, MAM, speaker and best-selling author, has extensive experience promoting resilience and role sustainability. Years of helping people during traumatic times, leading organizations, and working globally inform her work with people in personal and professional helping roles. Karen offers life-changing concepts and practical strategies with an enjoyable, interactive approach. Check out Resilient and Sustainable Caring: Your Guide to Thrive While Helping Others. Learn more about how to foster a purpose driven culture characterized by resilience, positivity, and decreased anxiety at www.karenschuder.com.
