Help Others Recover from Loss
Rick quietly sat at the oak kitchen table staring at a cup of cold coffee. Susan paced the linoleum floor while weeping and asking, “Why? Why? Why?” Their only child, a young college student, had died. Life changing loss struck hard. Rick and Susan were hit with a mix of emotions, including anger, denial, sadness, and guilt.
Tears coursed down my cheeks as I quietly sat with them. I felt overwhelmed by their grief and a sense of helplessness. There was nothing I could do to take away their suffering. I could not answer the difficult questions, nor could I make any guarantees about tomorrow. I simply sat with them to show that I cared. They were not alone in one of life’s most difficult journeys.
What have you experienced when helping others deal with loss? Walking with others during difficult times can be overwhelming, but also deeply meaningful. Death of a loved one, end of a relationship, chronic health changes, or termination of a job are losses that change the landscape of our journey. Grief is the process we go through to heal and adjust to a new reality. We can, with awareness and strategies, provide caring support without taking on other people’s grief. The following tips are a few to start out with.
1. Promote grief awareness. Learn about the grief process and help others see that even the difficult pieces connect with resilience. Recovering from loss involves a wild mix of emotions and experiences. We oscillate between denial, anger, sadness, guilt, and hope. Lighter moments are a gift. They do not minimize the loss, but promote healing and make grieving more tolerable. Help others know it is okay to experience moments of joy and delight.
2. Remember together. Do not be afraid to ask questions to promote sharing. People will let you know if they do not feel like talking. You will share tears, laughter, and moments of silence. Story telling helps us frame experiences and begin to form a new path forward. We process by repeating, so be patient if someone tells a story more than once.
3. Maintain emotional differentiation. We can care, but this does not mean taking on other people’s emotional journeys. Emotional distinction helps us to be a calm, caring presence while allowing others to experience their own emotions. We will be affected by other people’s suffering, especially when grief from our own loss is triggered. However, healthy emotional boundaries allow us to be fully present while sustainably helping others. Give yourself a hug and permission to let go of what is not yours to carry.
4. Help gracefully. Offer to pick up some groceries, do some laundry, or mow the lawn. Even the most basic tasks can be difficult when grieving. Recovering from loss affects every part of our lives, including decision making and communication, so people may not say “thank you” or return a call after you leave a message. Be gentle and gracious.
5. Let go of a need to fix. Sometimes the best thing we can do is to simply be a calm, caring presence. Walking the path of grief can feel like a very lonely journey. Helping people know they are not alone can help them find the courage to take the next steps. Remind people to take care of basic needs so they feel empowered to provide self-care. Encourage the use of professional counselors, support groups, and other resources more adept at helping people deal with grief.
Recovery from loss is not a one-time conclusion, but a process that winds its way through the hills and valleys of our life journeys. We each have our own losses to endure and carry over time. Despite the heaviness of grief, it connects to resilience and optimally leads to hope. We can bring hope and find meaning when we are willing to walk with others during their most difficult times, especially when we remember to walk our own journey.
This article contains excerpts from Resilient and Sustainable Caring: Your Guide to Thrive While Helping Others published by Whole Person Associates.
Karen Schuder, EdD, MDiv, MAM, has extensive experience promoting resilience and role sustainability through public speaking and coaching. Years of helping people during traumatic times, leading organizations, and working globally inform her work with people in personal and professional helping roles. Karen offers life-changing concepts and practical strategies with an enjoyable, interactive approach. Check out Resilient and Sustainable Caring: Your Guide to Thrive While Helping Others. Learn more about how to foster a purpose driven culture characterized by resilience, positivity, and decreased anxiety at www.karenschuder.com.
