Transparent Communication: The Key to Reenergizing Your Relationship

Transparent communication is the key to a successful relationship, whether it’s an intimate relationship, a parent/child relationship, a friendship or even a work relationship.  Transparent communication means energizing your inner voice and listening closely to it.  It means putting your thoughts and feelings into words, with reasonable concern about being direct, respectful and clear. Importantly, transparent communication means describing the feelings that you are experiencing without overwhelming the other person with your emotions.

Let’s look at the value of transparent communication in our close relationships. We are all aware of the communication style in which one person overwhelms their partner with their feelings, usually delivered with tears and pressured speech brimming with anguish. We also know the person who shuts down, avoiding conversation as a way to avoid conflict. And then there is the wordy intellectual, who prattles on but never lands the plane in terms of actually letting you know how they are feeling.

Too much of a focus on only your thinking doesn’t help your partner empathize with your emotional experience and won’t lead to your feeling deeply understood. This style of communication often feels mind-numbing and results in your partner shutting down rather than opening up. For example, when I barrage my husband with a four-hour dissertation on why he should remember our anniversary and what his forgetting actually means, he tunes me out after my second sentence in anticipation of the rest of the lecture.

An emotion-heavy communication style often leads to a shut down in dialogue and understanding as well. If my husband is erupting with anger and is speaking with a raised voice or inflammatory language, I am very likely to get defensive and focus on the way that he is communicating rather than what he is communicating. In this case, his presentation obscures his message.  

Transparent communication is about being descriptive and direct without being overly dramatic. Here are five steps toward transparent communication which will deepen and energize your understanding of the important people in your world and their understanding of you.

 1. Take the time to listen to your inner voice and understand what you want to communicate. Your thoughts, your feelings and your understanding of why you feel the way you do (i.e. what old emotional buttons have been pushed).

2. Let your partner know that you want to explain something that is bothering you and you would like them to simply think about it. This removes the pressure that they may feel to respond in the moment. It also lessens the likelihood that you will get into a familiar emotional battle or that they will get defensive.

3. Briefly and clearly describe what’s bothering you, their role in it and how they can be helpful. Let them know how you are feeling and why, but try to avoid inflammatory words, blaming, shaming or being overly dramatic.

4. Once you have communicated your thoughts and feelings, hopefully succinctly, stop talking. Let the other person take in what you have said and think about it. Don’t continue to overwhelm them with your pain, clarifications, additional evidence, etc.

5. When they are ready to respond, slow your roll. Let them finish speaking before you begin to craft a response. Take some to think about their message and understand their perspective before you continue the conversation.

Transparent communication is about helping others understand your experience by calmly and clearly describing your thoughts and feelings. It is direct, as succinct as possible, and invites, but does not demand, a response. Any emotional gratification that you might gain from venting or really blasting someone, is more than made up for by feeling heard and understood.

Beth Feldman, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and relational analyst, with specialized training in the treatment of substance abuse and eating disorders.  Dr. Feldman is an expert in parenting strategies and offers her unique “Sane Parenting in a Crazy World”.  consulting to parents globally. Beth is a frequent contributor to media and speaks publicly on numerous topics, including relationship and parenting issues, depression and anxiety management, and the secret to energizing personal change. For more information, visit www.bethfeldmanphd.com