What You Should Know About Codependency

From the time we are born, we are dependent in some way on other people. As we grow, we learn that healthy relationships mean giving to, as well as taking from, others. But when we are a codependent enabler, we build our lives around pleasing others. We may lack outside interests, focusing only on our need to be needed. Codependency may begin in our childhood. Possible causes include feeling unwanted, being abused, or taking on the role of caregiver for a chronically ill parent or sibling at a young age. Treatment for codependency begins with acknowledging that our relationships are unhealthy. We can learn to form new types of bonds as we recover.

What’s the Difference Between Codependency and Dependency?

Have you ever seen a mother cat and her newborn kittens? Born blind and deaf, the babies depend on mom for food, cleaning, and protection. As the kittens grow, their mother begins to wean them, gradually ending their dependency. 

In contrast to our example, codependent rescuers build their lives around fulfilling the needs of their partners who often show tendencies toward addiction or being victims. The giving individuals in the relationship are known as “enablers,” while the partners who tend to take and encourage the enablers are known as “victim/addicts.” The “cycle” of codependency refers to the circular arrangement between the two individuals. 

An enabler only feels worthy when helping a victim/addict. In turn, the victim/addict finds pleasure in having the other person fulfill their needs.

Healthy dependency involves mutual support. In a healthy relationship, each person has other friends and interests while finding mutual benefits in their relationship. Both people voice their needs and depend on one another. However, codependent individuals may not have any interests outside of their relationship with each other. An enabler may not even recognize his or her own needs because theirs are sublimated to their partner’s needs.

What are the Symptoms of Codependency?

Some symptoms of codependency may appear positive. For example, enablers try to do more than their share in all situations, often because they have grown up with self-esteem issues that lead them toward people-pleasing. That desire to please others can win A’s in school and approval at work. 

The downside is that enablers may feel overly responsible for other people’s actions and emotions. They might also believe they are the only people capable of handling certain situations or responsibilities. 

In our mother cat and kittens example, Mom Cat has no expectations that those needy kittens will recognize and appreciate all that she’s done for them. By contrast, an enabler might feel emotionally wounded when his or her efforts go unrecognized. 

Other symptoms of codependency may include:

• Distrust of others
• Aversion to change
• Frequent anger
• Difficulties with self-assertion
• Indecision
• Socially withdrawn
• Difficulty in refusing requests for help and/or in seeking help from others

What Causes Codependency?

Codependency may begin in childhood. If we felt unwanted or insecure in our relationships with our parents, we may face challenges in our adult relationships. As a result, we may fear being rejected or losing loved ones. That fear may make us codependent, constantly seeking ways to help our partners, spouses, or children. 

Growing up in the role of caretaker also may contribute to codependency. We may have grown up with a chronically ill parent or sibling, for example. If we grow up developing a pattern of seeking to help others, then our self-esteem may depend on feeling we are needed, while expecting nothing from others. Codependency also may result from abuse in our childhood or teen years. We may discover that avoiding our feelings protects us from pain, turning us into adults who focus on others’ needs while ignoring our own.

Treating Codependency

Recovery from codependency takes time and work. Treatment begins with recognition that we are codependent and of course, the desire for change. 

We may need to learn how to name and express our own feelings or views. In addition, the individual who we have enabled may require guidance in giving as well as receiving. 

There’s a positive aspect to accepting the need to change an unhealthy relationship pattern. We have a chance to restart, to experiment with new interests and discover who we are as independent individuals, and this is true for both sides of a codependent relationship. 

Enablers and victims/addicts can learn to form new support systems as they separate themselves from unhealthy bonds. In turn, each has the opportunity to learn self-care and the positive feelings that come with helping others. 

Recovering from codependency also means learning to:

• Set boundaries that let us empathize without needing to fix others
• Trust ourselves and feel secure
•  Base our mood on our own feelings rather than our partner’s emotions
• Take responsibility only for our actions

Emotional growth may happen more slowly than we desire. But just as with those once blind and deaf kittens gradually seeing and hearing the world around them, we can discover the beauty of a healthy relationship. For personalized and professional guidance in recovering from codependency, reach out to a mental healthcare provider. 

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