Mental Illness in a Couples Relationship - How to Sustain It

If your spouse has recently told you that they have a mental illness or have just been diagnosed, you are probably running a gamut of emotions.

You may feel the responsibility to act as a caretaker for your spouse or have perhaps noticed an extreme change in their personality or your relationship dynamic that unsettles you. These feelings are completely natural. You are not a bad person for feeling anxiety about your partner's mental health.

Having a spouse with mental health problems in your life can be stressful and overwhelming, but it doesn't mean you can't have a wonderfully fulfilling relationship with that person. Here are 7 ways to cope with a mentally ill partner.

Be Sympathetic and Supportive

Show support and love to your spouse, even in moments when they are acting unlovable. This can be difficult, especially if your partner is taking their anger and frustrations out on you or if their anxiety is making them say things they wouldn't normally say. In these moments it's important to separate your spouse from their mental health. They are not their illness.

At times, it may be frustrating and hurtful to deal with your partner's mental health, but remember that your spouse is hurting, too. They need your love and support during their suffering, not your emotional withdrawal.

Get Educated

When you first got together with your spouse, you probably never imagined that you would be living with mental illness in your life. This new diagnosis can mean a drastic change in your partner's behavior.

Symptoms of mental health disorders include:

• Feeling depressed for no reason
• Inability to concentrate
• Constant fatigue/low energy
• Stress and anxiety that may border on debilitating
• Withdrawing from friends, family, and loving spouses
• High-highs and low-lows/Extreme mood changes
• Excessive worrying, guilt, or fear for seemingly no reason
• Psychoses

When your once loving, funny, and outgoing partner suddenly turns into someone you don't recognize, it can be very hard to deal with. You may have to go through the process of getting to know your spouse all over again as this "new" person.

Getting educated about your spouse's illness can help you get in a better headspace about what they are going through and how you can help. 

Seek Couples Counseling

Research shows that couples who use the term "we" are happier than those who use "I' and "me." Making this verbal declaration of partnership boosts emotional and marital satisfaction.

One way you can show support for your spouse and show that you are unified is by attending marriage and family therapy or take a marriage course together.

A marriage and family therapist will be able to treat a wide variety of both personal and relationship issues such as anxiety, psychological problems, romantic distress, and depression.

Your couple's counselor will help you get to the root of the mental illness that is now in your relationship and teach you how to communicate with one another, as well as give practical coping methods for both partners.

Find Someone to Lean On

Depending on the severity of your spouse's mental illness, taking care of them may feel like a full-time job. There are good days and bad, but sometimes the bad can leave you frustrated, hurt, and exhausted.

You may be a private person, but it's important not to withdraw from your loved ones because of the relationship issues you're going through. Studies show that psychological distress is lowered after someone receives support from close friends and family.

Don't shut out the people who love you the most. Instead, let them help and support you during your down days. Plan friend "dates" and make an effort to reach out and text/call/visit your bestie the next time your relationship has you feeling down.

Take Care of Yourself

Along the same lines as the above, it's important for you to continue taking care of yourself. Pursue hobbies and interests that fulfill or relax you. Some ideas for self care include:

• Go to the gym. Working out for at least 30-minutes a day can do wonders for your fitness and your mental health. This will help you stay healthy and strong for your partner
• Get really dressed up. This will boost your mood and your self-esteem
• Plan a dream vacation with your spouse. This is something fun couples can do together that gives them something to look forward to
• Pray/focus on your faith
• Read/listen to a book
• Sit out on your porch and watch the sunset
• Take a nap
• Do a DIY project and stretch your creative legs
• Watch funny videos online
• Go for a hike
• Sing at the top of your lungs
• Have an at-home spa night for yourself, diffuse some calming oils, pamper your body with a bubble bath or a massage

The happier and calmer you are within yourself, the better you will be able to take care of your spouse's needs.

Practice Open, Honest Communication

Communication is the backbone of any healthy relationship. Your spouse should feel like they can come to you with their thoughts, feelings, and stresses. Listen lovingly and give your partner your undivided attention when they are pouring their heart out to you and vice-versa.

It’s important for you and your spouse to have an open dialogue.

Focus on Your Strengths

Dropping mental health issues into your relationship is bound to put some bumps in the road, but things are not always hard. Instead of focusing on all of the ways your relationship has changed due to the mental illness, shift your thinking and see the good in your relationship.

Make a list of all the strengths you have as a couple and be appreciative that you still get to share your life with the amazing person you first met so long ago.

Have a spouse who has a mental illness can lead to serious relationship issues but don't assume that their mental health will prevent you from having an amazing marriage. Keep your relationship strong and healthy by educating yourself about your spouse's issues, seek counseling, and keep the lines of communication open.