9 Fighting Rules For Couples

Disagreeing, arguing, even fighting with your partner, is a part of life. Not an enjoyable part, but a part nonetheless. We all handle conflict resolution differently and most of how we act during disagreements is determined by our personalities and what was modeled to us throughout life. Most of us were never taught how to "fight" with our partner (fight or argue fairly or productively, that is). That's odd, because it is quite literally a skill that we need to learn and understand. Here are 9 things I teach my clients in marriage and family therapy. I hope they help:

1. Before you begin, ask yourself why you feel upset...

Are you truly angry because your partner left the mustard on the counter? Or are you upset because you feel like you’re doing an uneven share of the housework, and this is just one more piece of evidence? Take time to think about your own feelings before starting an argument.

2. Discuss one issue at a time...

“You shouldn’t be spending so much money without talking to me” can quickly turn into “You don’t care about our family.” Now you need to resolve two problems instead of one. Plus, when an argument starts to get off topic, it can easily become about everything a person has ever done wrong. We’ve all done a lot wrong, so this can be especially cumbersome.

3. No degrading language...

Discuss the issue, not the person. No put-downs, swearing, or name-calling. Degrading language is an attempt to express negative feelings while making sure your partner feels just as bad. This will just lead to more character attacks while the original issue is forgotten.

4. Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them...

“I feel angry.” “I feel hurt when you ignore my phone calls.” “I feel scared when you yell.” These are good ways to express how you feel. Starting with “I” is a good technique to help you take responsibility for your feelings (no, you can’t say whatever you want as long as it starts with “I”).

5. Take turns talking...

This can be tough, but be careful not to interrupt. If this rule is difficult to follow, try setting a timer, allowing 1 minute for each person to speak without interruption. Don’t spend your partner’s minute thinking about what you want to say. Listen with both ears and an open mind!

6. No stonewalling...

Sometimes, the easiest way to respond to an argument is to retreat into your shell and refuse to speak. This refusal to communicate is called stonewalling. You might feel better temporarily, but the original issue will remain unresolved and your partner will feel more upset. If you absolutely cannot go on, tell your partner you need to take a time-out. Agree to resume the discussion later.

7. No yelling...

Sometimes arguments are “won” by being the loudest, but the problem only gets worse. If yelling does occur (because it sometimes will, of course), do your best to get through it and back to calm discussion as quickly as possible. Yelling might help you "get things off your chest," and it might feel like a good release at the time, but it cannot resolve any real issues with any permanence.

8. Take a time-out if things get too heated...

In a perfect world we would all follow these rules 100% of the time, but it just doesn’t work like that. If an argument starts to become personal or heated, take a time-out. Agree on a time to come back and discuss the problem after everyone has cooled down (even if it's the next day).

9. Attempt to come to a compromise or an understanding...

There isn’t always a perfect answer to an argument. You will not always be able to get your partner to see your side of the issue, or to agree with you, or to admit any fault, and vice versa. Life is just too messy for that. Do your best to come to a compromise (this will mean some give and take from both sides). If you can’t come to a compromise, merely knowing what your partner was feeling, and understanding it, can help soothe negative feelings and be productive in its own right.

Little by little, if you keep these things in mind and implement these strategies during times of conflict, you'll discover that your disagreements are shorter in duration and more productive as far as actual communication and resolution. A natural byproduct of these strategies is increased respect for each other.