10 Monsters Banned from My Vegan Halloween Bash
Americans have always had a love affair with monsters. So have Europeans. But Americans have actually built on the tradition, adding to and enhancing this strange but-easily-explained affinity for strange, often-feared, but usually-eliciting-sympathy creatures.
Some people might say that Mary Shelley (and other Gothic writers) started these macabre dance routines but that is simply not so. Monsters go way back in human history. Greek and Roman playwrights often used them or alluded to them. Greek and Roman mythology, in fact, have given us some of the most memorable monsters from the past (Medusa, the Sphinx, Cerberus, Minotaur, the Cyclops, etc.).
Old European societies (Norse and Icelandic cultures; the Middle Ages; etc.) also contributed to the "monsters" list with such memorable creatures as dwarves/elves, trolls, Pesta, dragons (which may originally have been living dinosaurs), witches & warlocks, ogres & leprechauns (possibly deformed or genetic-defect-misshapen actual human beings), and the very brave & mysterious Black Plague grave diggers.
Perhaps no monster has been as popular as those who have come back from the dead, are "walking dead," or play some significant role in the death process. For some strange reason, most of us are as fascinated as we are fearful of death--hence the need for these monsters in our literature and public culture.
In spite of the fact that I love these monsters as much as the next guy, there are certain creatures I've decided to ban for the next 5 years from my annual vegan Halloween parties, starting in 2016. Here is the list of such creatures, including the reasons for my banning them:
1. Edward Cullen and all of his Twilight movie series clan members. Here's the problem with these people: they don't eat anything, including the exquisite tofu plates, organic fruits/cheese/veggie platters, & home-made breads and Stevia-sweetened cookies I will be serving. Even if they were to refrain (as they do while in the presence of humans in the movie series) from consuming their nasty blood meals, I would still be thinking of them as meat consumers (or a part thereof).
I might make an exception for Alice Cullen (who's "hot"--even though her skin is, supposedly, cadaver-"cold") but, no, I'm done with blood-sucking women--at least for now.
2. Godzilla. I've always been a fan of Godzilla but I have to admit that his kind is on the way out. This anger-management-in-need-of big lizard is simply too interested in destroying cities and making a nuisance of himself. I think that I am speaking for the rest of sane humanity when I say that we've had enough of that kind of mentality. Today we call such monsters "terrorists."
So, in essence, Godzilla is just another fire-breathing thug we elevated to pop-culture "hero status"--well, maybe not a "hero" but certainly a well-recognized icon.
3. Dracula. Incredibly, this Count from Transylvania (probably based on the life of Vlad Tepes from Romania) still attracts attention, in spite of having been replaced by other more-modern vampires in the movies. We can't forget, however, that this guy started the whole blood-sucking, not-liking-sunny-California, and "keep religious icons away from me" phenomena.
Like the Cullen's, however, this guy is sure to be rather rude when it comes to what drinks (mostly organic hot or iced tea, organic fruit juices & smoothies, and organic milk), desserts and snacks I will providing. I also don't like the idea of any of my guests thinking of other guests as their potential "meal."
Yet another exception I would definitely be willing to make would be for any of my guests to come dressed as Selene from Underworld, assuming that she has a Kate Beckinsale-type of "corpse." Supposedly, vampires are "dead" but, for a cadaver, Selene looks stunning, not that looks is everything. As a topnotch Death Dealer, she no doubt also has a high IQ, or so I would assume.
4. Werewolves. Personally, I think that werewolves are cool. I especially like the improvements that Hollywood has made to the two-legged, rather lame costumes in the old movies. The werewolves in the Twilight and the Underworld movie series, for example, are much better to look at and appreciate.
In fact, if I were to make an exception for my ban it might be Jake Black (played by Taylor Lautner) from Twilight, whom I imagine many of my female guests would want to meet. I think that he gave up too easily on Bella Swan, however. When she punched him, he too easily went running for comfort, with his tail between his legs.
Come to think of it, I don't want people who give up that easily in my party. He should have fought Edward to the death for Bella's hand. Or maybe he should have just turned Bella into a werewolf before she was turned into a vampire. Wait, was that option even possible in this series?
5. Chick-fil-A's chicken-mocking cows. For one, I wish that this fast food chain would show as much compassion for chickens as their cows say they feel (mockingly) for their fellow animals. Beyond that, I don't care for the way animals are treated in general--whether we put them in zoos (for our amusement) or in factory farms so that we can maximize the amount of meat we get.
This whole advertising campaign is, at best, in bad taste. Consequently, please don't wear either a cow's or a chicken Chic-fil-A outfit to my Halloween extravaganza.
6. The Cookie Monster. I know that we don't hear as much these days from this Sesame Street creature as we used to in the past but, regardless of this monster's popularity status, I simply have never cared for cookies or nutritionally-empty foods in general. Curiously, it is possible to make and serve dessert that is not nutritionally-empty, as most foods that contain mostly bleached flour and refined sugar are wont to be.
If the Cookie Monster, for example, were to go for fruit & nuts-containing scones made with non-bleached, organic flour and sweetened with Stevia, I might consider changing my mind on his being banned!
7. Barney the Dinosaur. There was a time when everyone was talking about Barney; then came the Barney-bashing campaigns. Now, the creature has been relegated to "old history." That's not the reason, though, I don't want Barney in my party.
The fact is that Barney looks too much like a Tyrannosaurus rex, meaning that he's basically a carnivorous beast. Now, if Barney ever wakes up and sees the light, thereby finally admitting that we can live healthy lives without feasting on animals, he will again be welcome at my palace.
8. Frankenstein. Here's the main problem with Frankenstein: he was built using meat-&-bones parts from other deceased human beings. Actually, maybe some of these "parts" were illegally taken from still-living human beings or did you think that organ-harvesting is merely a modern, recently-excavated crime? Mary Shelley doesn't acknowledge that possibility but maybe she was just trying to be politically correct?
Actually, I'm not sure what Frankenstein eats on a daily basis but I have heard that his dining etiquette is atrocious; besides, he might scare some of my guests unnecessarily.
9. Zombies. This disguise is perhaps the most difficult for me to inject into this list since I adore Zombies. Actually, let me rephrase that: I adore Zombie movies and the whole Zombie/end-of-world genre. Having said that, I for one am not looking forward to the "end of the world." Some people have romanticized about it, thinking that they will be able to survive the overwhelming catastrophes by simply moving into a bunker or a cave out in the boonies.
Even if you stockpile tons of food and water, you will eventually run out of supplies; you may also not be able to breathe the air, drink the water or eat the food that will be available after a nuclear and biological-warfare holocaust.
For my part, I don't want Zombies to bring negative vibes to my bash. I also won't have anything to serve them--except maybe for rude guests, but I'd rather just have security escort those people out. If they get bitten by Zombies on the way home, well, at least my conscience will be clear.
10. Politicians. I know that some people are still too naive or innocent to think of politicians as "monsters" and "beasts" but what kind of twisted, soul-less beings can continue to waste billions on inane government programs while millions of Americans go homeless, sick and unemployed? Contrary to popular opinion, politicians can be doing much more to create jobs, prevent jobs from being exported unnecessarily, and spend taxpayer's money much more efficiently and responsibly.
I personally don't want anyone dressed like Barack, Donald or Hillary (or any of the other putting-on-a-show "characters" in Congress, the Supreme Court, government agencies, etc.) at my party. Speaking of "politicians," I also don't want Pinocchio at my party--let's just say I consider all pathological liars "monsters!"
Conclusion
In spite of the fact that I like monsters, that doesn't mean that I want them under my roof, as if we could be best friends or something. Monsters titillate our curiosity of the dark world but that doesn't necessarily mean we want to be part of it or embrace it wholeheartedly. In fact, this "curiosity" I'm talking about more often than not gets us in trouble, if we forget the negative repercussions of what we find ourselves admiring or being interested in.
A cat, for example, may become fascinated by a poisonous snake, for a while perhaps playing with it. Maybe the cat doesn't know how dangerous the snake actually is; or maybe he does but gets a rush from the adrenalin that is pumping because of the potential danger . . . like a child playing with matches.
Monsters may also remind us of our imperfections. We may empathize, recognizing that at times other people may treat us badly because they may hate, fear or oppose such imperfections. This kind of thinking may also fall in line with having pity for underdogs or the vulnerable. In these cases, however our feelings may be misplaced.
In most cases, monsters aren't nice--in fact, they are usually downright dangerous. In some cases, such associations or perceptions are unfair (as when we refer to lions, tigers and bears as "monsters") but, for the most part, real monsters (serial killers, dictators & tyrants, sexual predators, etc.) should be avoided like the plague. You can make an exception, though, for fictional characters in a movie or from books and old lore.
Imaginary monsters can add spice to our lives. They can also help prepare us for true encounters with nasty beasts. But maybe I can save my insights on that subject for an article on dating in the works.
Copyright, 2016. Fred Fletcher. All rights reserved.
